I Should Be In Charge

This month, aside from deciding that I have an interesting life, I have also decided I have all the answers.  I know that it is a very new-18-year-old-self-absorbed sort of thing to say, but I have all the answers to life, the universe, and everything.  All of this comes from the fact that my entire world seems to be coming apart at the seams.  I know what you're thinking, "How can you say you have all the answers AND that your life is falling apart?"  Well, I am not the one who pulled it all apart.  So I have decided I have all the answers because if I had been in charge of all the random things going on they would have gone on better and I would not be in this big old mess now.  But I am in this mess so I just have to suck it up and move on.  Luckily for everyone else in the world the bigger of a mess I get into, the more interesting stories I should begin to have.  Or I'll at least have a psychotic break or two and then I'll have interesting things to write.  No I will not be sharing what exactly has gone horribly wrong, but it has nothing to do with my adorable Ninja.

Today I have decided to share my quick-fixes and ideas about several on-going problems in the world.  First on the list: abortion.  I say go ahead and legalize it with one VERY IMPORTANT stipulation.  If you have an abortion you also have a hysterectomy in the same procedure.  I believe this would cause many people to think MUCH harder about their decision.  I don't care if you agree with me.  Half the time I don't agree with me.  I just want to see a politician run with this on their agenda.  I feel we will never fully allow or abolish it so why not get creative.  Second on the list: drugs.  Legalize them.  ALL of them (Frank).  Then watch the cartels fall to the wayside so I can finally go to Mexico and not have to pretend I am in end-stage liver failure to prevent my beautiful organs from getting harvested.  People are going to find them and do them regardless of our policies so I think we should just give it to them, but now in a form that can be over-taxed for much needed revenue.  And stress-free Mexico vacations are the icing on the cake.  Third on my list: company bankruptcy.  Unless everyone working for the company is living in a cardboard box it shouldn't happen.  I have (-$110,000) and I am going strong.  Fourth on my list: speeding tickets.  They are not really keeping us all safe on the roads.  I would rather be on the road with someone who can perfectly control a car at 100mph than the person who hits parked cars going 5mph.  Just saying.  Let's take the license away from anyone who hits a parked car because obviously they have NO control over a car and are the true danger on the roads.  Fifth on my list: swearing.  I like to do it, sooooooo....... it isn't bad and people should stop complaining about it.  Besides, calling someone a f***tard has no real meaning or definition and should therefore not offend at all unlike poop-eater.  That has a very specific and negative meaning that should offend people, but I bet you were more offended at my superbly censored f***tard.  Just stop caring.  Stupid poop-eaters.  Sixth on my list: political correctness.  There isn't enough time in the world to explain.  Isn't it more racist and politically incorrect to assume that everyone with a certain skin color is from, oh I don't know, Africa?  Why can't they just be Americans who are black?  And what about the white South Africans?  Think of a man with fair skin and a British accent.  He could be African American (because he was raised in South Africa), but you would never refer to him as that if you were describing him to your friend.  I say, let's just describe people in a fair way.  Black people are black and the British are British and they aren't all trying to become Americans so don't tack that onto the second half of their ethnicity.  Seventh on my list: gas prices.  Let's abolish Nascar.  I don't care if that offends you because I have good reasons.  Those cars take up lots of gas and the races are unnaturally long, then we put them in huge trucks to be transported across the country just so we can waste as much gas as possible.  If we abolished that, demand for gas would be halved and the suppliers would have to drop their prices.  Yeah, I studied economics once.  Eighth/ninth on my list: obesity and clean energy.  Let's just hook up stationary bikes to the power grid.  The more you go in and pedal, the more credits you get.  This would encourage anyone who needs to save money (so all but the rich who just hire personal trainers and have in-house gyms complete with pools) to go exercise.  Tenth, and last, on my list: porn.  Only let ugly people make it.  Then they can feel beautiful and young men would never get addicted to it because their wives would be hotter than the women in the videos.  And the beautiful people could stop being poop-eaters and have to go find a real job!

This concludes the first part of my argument for why I should be in charge of everything.  If you don't believe in me then feel free to contact me with an issue you think I can't solve better than everyone else.  I am always up for a challenge.  (And anyone who caught my Father Goose reference is super awesome cool!)

The Story

I've decided my life is interesting.  And I am writing a story.  This story is about Ninja and in it he is a ninja.  It is, in fact, going to be my true life story (only a teeeny tiiiiiny bit embellished).  Well, my true honest story between me and Ninja.  I promise to leave most of the important parts alone and only put in real quotes that are for real things that were said.  It's going to be the best story ever.  It has ninjas in it.  Anyway, I have nothing to do all summer while I am out of school and I keep getting bored.  Ninja also works a lot and I stay home and watch Teen Mom to reinforce my distaste for the thought of motherhood.  I feel that writing a story is a much better waste of my time.  Initially the story started off as a bedtime story that I was going to read to Ninja as a special treat one night before bed, but then I remembered that he falls asleep in 0.1seconds flat and any story longer than that would not be good.  So now my story is an epic tale about a man trying to get home to his wife after the war even though he has to best a cyclops, sirens, and his own vice to reach her.  This story might get super way unnaturally longer if I decide to include my life before Ninja in it.  No I will not be putting my story up here for everyone to read for free.  Well, not until after I get done with it.  And I want to get paid by the word.  Give me what I want because I want it.