So a long time ago I took my first and second tests for molecules to medicine and I passed both. Which means I am already doing better than anatomy where I failed every lab practical exam. More recently I took the third exam. The exam was on a Monday and in my tradition I was a few hours behind on lectures on Sunday and I was refusing to even try and pull out my laptop or notes because, well, I feel like I am being punished when I study. I have to go away from everyone else and be very quiet and do things I don't really want to do. Usually about 10 minutes of staring at notes causes me to feel as though I have been put on time-outs and I instantly rebel and go play video games or watch TV. I know that probably isn't the best way to pass school, but I AM passing so something is going right. Well, that or someone upstairs put me here for a reason and He is sure not going to let me sabotage it now. But I honestly can't get past feeling as though I am being punished for something I didn't do and it really prevents me from focusing because all my little girl emotions come flooding back. ~Why do I have to sit here in the corner? All I wanted was cookies for dinner. Why can't my parents just love me for who I am and appreciate the way I expressed myself in my drawings on the wall? It only seems fair that if I have to bathe the cat has to bathe with me. I don't see what's so horrible about riding your bike off the roof. They never let me have fun.~ With all these thoughts and emotions running through my head no one can really expect me to focus on school or study. Sometimes I eat cookies for dinner or stay up all night playing games just to quell those emotions. So anyway, I had tried to study on Saturday, but there were way too many interesting things going on so I felt punished and then I gave up. Ninja was all upset at me for not studying and he was explaining how I needed to study because everyone in my class had been talking about how hard our third exam was supposed to be. It was all about genetics. I tried to explain that genetics is just a lot of concepts and the reason people get lost is because they get into memorizing the details and that isn't possible. To prove I knew genetics concepts and all about punnett squares I made him one. This is all about how Ninja feels about my schoolwork:
Once he saw this he couldn't stay mad because it is so perfectly accurate. Lucky for me he didn't realize this has nothing to do with genetics concepts. Well it kind of does. If you change "study" to Dad and "pass" to Mom and then "yes" to wild type gene and "no" to mutated gene and the genes show incomplete dominance then it is mildly accurate as long as Dad has a form of the mutation that like causes hiccups at 10am and pm everyday and Mom has one that like causes the skin to be tinted purple. And also if together the mutations make the child blind and purple and hiccup-y. Then the faces would make the most sense. But as far as ninja was concerned my point was proven and I went into the test the next day with false confidence and came out distraught because I was scared I would be seeing his angry face as soon as the grades came back. But then I didn't even get close to failing and I don't know why, but I am very happy even though I got his mildly unimpressed face.
So after that test I have not actually been to any lectures. I stay home because I really have been waking up feeling rather unwell, which brings me to my next point. I live in constant absolute terror at the thought of being pregnant. Let me tell you how I have been feeling lately and then the explanation my doctor has, you know my explanation so I won't put it. Exhaustion: staying up too late and being stressed at school. Peeing often: drinking lots of water (I think it could be Diabeetus). Head rushes when standing: tortuous aorta and low blood pressure and jumping up too fast after extended inactivity. Sore breasts: the pill and suddenly going to a high caffeine intake since Ninja started making delicious coffee every morning. Mood swings: the pill and being stressed at school and not sleeping enough. Waking up at 2 or 3am feeling nauseous and having to drink magic juice and walk around to feel better: indigestion or eating too late or being stressed at school. So there you have it. And in case you don't know I consider Pepto Bismol to be magic juice because since I discovered it in 2003 I have not thrown up. If that isn't magical I don't know what is. So I would prefer to not have a child any time soon and I don't know why Ninja gets upset when I tell him I would be extra terrible if I was pregnant and demand cheesy gordita crunches at all hours of the night. I would also kick him in the stomach every time his ill-timed child kicked me in the stomach. And then fake cry to get what I want. And skip class even more. I really don't know why he gets upset because that all seems reasonable for what I would have to go through. Anyway, I should believe the doctor and so I am trying to quell the fear eating away my insides as I wait for definitive proof that my pill is working. You know what I mean and I am totally willing to say it, but I just don't want to in writing. All I'll say is that someone better visit me over the holiday break or I'm going to have a meltdown.
So outside of school and my own psychosis I have had another trip to work at the detox clinic. It was a much less eventful night this time. Someone face planted when they tried to sit down and I was exposed to MRSA and I saw a naked guy in a shower because I was just standing in the wrong place when they opened the door and I saw right in. There were a lot more screaming belligerent people in the quiet rooms, but no one had to be checked for their real gender. I have also had my first day at my preceptor office. She is a very nice pediatrician. We saw quite a few patients and I learned all children like you better when you are the person handing out the lollipops instead of the shots. I also learned that as a pediatrician you have to be okay with everything because if you tell kids how much you hate smoking or drugs or drinking or kids having sex then the kids will never confide in you and they need to. So you have to use phrases like, "I don't think trying a beer or a joint is life altering, but driving under the influence is so don't ever do that or get in a car with someone who is." or "You are old enough to see me without your parents now and I want you to understand I only want to know what you are doing so I can treat you best. I will never tell anyone what you say outside of us in this room." or "Having sex is fine, but you should talk to me about birth control before you start having sex so I can be sure you are ready." So I am learning more detachment skills. I cannot bring my own morals into the room because then I may miss out on helping my patients if they get caught up in something and are too scared to tell me about it because I am openly opinionated against it. Is it a dilemma? Nope. In fact it is essentially considered part of the Hippocratic Oath. To do what is in your patient's best interest. Their best interest is to be comfortable enough around me to tell me everything I need to know to treat them best. So I can never alienate someone with my own opinions. I don't have any opinions so really it isn't hard for me at all. So those are my most recent clinical experiences. I think being a real doctor instead of a bookworm on time-outs is much more fun. I guess I'll stick with this.
Yesterday was the one month anniversary of my best friends forever ceremony with Ninja. He abandoned me for most of the day running errands and doing things for work. I felt pretty lonely. Then he showed up with flowers and everything needed to make an unnecessary amount of decorated sugar cookies! I really like decorating cookies and I also love sprinkles. I am not as fond of flowers, but I am really fond of Ninja so I like them a lot too. Other than that I have just been chilling and trying to relax and pretend I am a normal person with a normal life and that I don't know an unnatural amount about pseudohermaphroditism. Ninja and I have been at house home since Friday and we are spending the week here. Technically I had class through Wednesday, but I have just been watching the lectures online anyway and we don't have any required sessions this week so it didn't matter where I was. So today Ninja is at his house home cooking and I am at my house home hanging out with my super amazing friend Skunk and my brother playing Chrono Trigger. I would go to help Ninja, but he says my helping is more like tying one hand behind his back. Mostly because I just latch on in a bear hug and refuse to let go while he tries to cook. Sometimes he gives me a job like whisking or stirring and I am really good at helping, but other than that I don't do much. I'm not sure if I'll head over there to sleep because it's cold outside. But if I do maybe he'll sing that cold outside song to me if I try to go back here. Hmmm..... that could be worth it. Plus his bed is not comfortable and last time we stayed at his house I woke up because his dog had pretty much pushed me off the bed. Here I have a Tempur-pedic bed and a cat that keeps my feet warm without shoving me around. But I really like elbowing Ninja in my sleep and hearing about it in the morning. This is quite a dilemma. I'll let you know how it turns out tomorrow. Or maybe the day after because tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I may be in a food coma all night and unable to type.
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