Dear Medical School

Why do you hate me so much?  I don't think I ever did anything to wrong you.  I just do what you say when we are together and then try to forget you when we are apart.  And you can't blame me for that because you are so very overbearing.  You follow me everywhere and never take a day off.  Did you ever stop to think you may be happier and not need to torment me if you took a vacation?  Misery loves company and I can see you are miserable because you never take a break.  I propose we take a break together.  I mean, why do you have to be so cruel as to use up all of my free time or make me feel guilty for neglecting you?  Is it not enough that I spent all of yesterday reading about the trunk?  Or that I spent hours in your stinky lab?  I tried to learn everything you asked me to, but I think you just make up terms like pancreaticoduodenal  or pericardiacophrenic so that any time I start to feel I may have a grip on things you can smush my confidence back down to size with your made up words.  I can trace blood to and from every structure in the body below the neck.  Is that not enough for you?  I can also tell you the function of the all nerves below the neck.  Why can't you just leave well enough alone?  I know I went out last night to get a hamburger with my brother and ninja, but do you really have to throw embryology and lymphatics in my face as punishment for leaving you at home?  I would have brought you back something, but the burger was just too delicious to leave even a bite.  Besides, you are so bitter about life I doubt you could even enjoy the delicate flavors of a burger slathered in spinach artichoke dip.  Please try to be a little more understanding that I need things like food and sleep to function.  If I die you will have to find a new person to torment.

And what is up with today?  Just because I chose sweet slumber over reading about lymph nodes at 3am last night you made sure to put as many as possible on the test?  Do you just hate me?  And then making me wait over 2 hours between finishing the written and starting the lab exam was unmatchably evil.  The kind of evil you only hear about in passing rumors.  Your behavior today was completely unacceptable.  Making me take a test you so obviously altered to highlight my weakest points and then giving me 2 hours to brood over it while I waited for the lab exam to start was just perfect for shattering my confidence.  And I had barely any left going into the lab anyway.  Sure it was a beautiful day and I enjoyed sitting in the grass watching people play frisbee, but I would rather have finished early and gone home or sat in the grass after everything was done.  Just because I finished the last exam early you had to force me to stay until 5pm this time.  Don't you ever wonder why you are so full of hate?

I am waiting in fear to see how you punish me for spending time at the pool today.  I assume while I was soaking and then at dinner with my classmates eating a delicious goat cheese salad you were alone making up the longest most ridiculous words you can possibly think of to make me learn later.  I know you followed me to the bar and hid my wallet so I had to get the double X mark of shame on my hands just so my classmates could shun me.  Am I not allowed to have a drink?  I just wanted to get one rum and coke so I could stand around and look cool without actually having to drink.  But you took that away from me as well.  And even now I can sense your evil presence waiting to pounce on me in the morning with a lecture on blood supply.  Why do you hate me so much?  Why must you have class the morning after an exam?  All I want is one day to spend basking in the glory of my accomplishment.  Why is that so much to ask?

And why do you only have tests on Mondays?  I feel like you have done this on purpose to crush my hopes of guilt-free weekends spent watching movies and playing video games.  I spend the weekend preparing for your torture and then have class for the rest of the week after so I can do the same the next weekend.  Don't pretend this isn't the truth.  I have looked at your schedule and after October I even see class in the afternoon after some morning exams.  Doesn't that seem just a little overboard?  Can't I even have a few hours between to feel accomplished?  I do not remember signing a contract saying you can do this to me.  One of these days I am going to go on another study strike, but head and neck is too complicated for that.  But after head and neck we shall see who has the stronger will!  You don't know who you're messing with medical school.  So just stop with the ridiculous hours, long words, complicated lymphatics, and unnatural penchant for making me feel guilty for everything I do that isn't studying.  If you push me much further you shall suffer my wrath!